Saturday, January 17, 2009

God's Own Child

There were impatient knocks on my door this morning. I stopped Eminem swearing loudly on my Laptop, opened the door and found the delivery boy from Gas Agency carrying a ripe red Cylinder with a unbroken seal on it.

"Sir, Where do I put it ?"

I was speechless. This was nothing less than divine intervention, a prayer anwered before it was made. Last time I ordered for the cylinder, it was 2006. I still had some Gas left in that Cylinder, but have been thinking since last few weekends of ordering the next one soon; have heard people complaining how long it takes to get the Gas after the booking and that had me concerned about occasional noodles and Tea, my midnight oil. I don't cook by choice, but not being able to do so, due to constraints, restricts my independence.

I am not into sleep-walking/talking but suspected that maybe unconsciously I might have called the agency since such thoughts have been bothering me; so I said :

"Did I order it?"

"Should I take it back?" Delivery boy was being helpful and understanding here.

"Ummm...OK..put it inside." the girl agreed reluctantly.

While replacing he told me that the previous one still seems to have a Rs.50 worth Gas left. Before this Angel came into my life,I had been worrying that I might have to drive to the Gas agency for the new order since my account might have expired (last time it wasn't easy). So I was prepared to waste petrol as well as my time which, put together or apart, are worth way more than 50. Clearly this was a much better deal.

Besides, saying no to the God's messenger brings bad luck.

I further tried to take full advantage of this opportunity and gave him two slightly torn Rs.100 notes along with others. Some smart fellow offloaded them to me months back and since then I've been struggling hard to find a bigger fool, but found no buyers. Correctly judging that this guy wouldn't give a damn about those notes since his job is just to transport assets, I offered and he accepted. That's how shallow we both were in that moment.

So... Thank you Lord and forgive me for my sins.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

"Ascension" Short Fiction Contest

There's this cool short fiction contest going on here. You'll find some fantastic works there. None of the stories are more than 250 words; short flings you wouldn't mind indulging in.

Yes, there's an entry from BrownPhantom too here. He is the new kid on the block and it's his first attempt at writing. And it shows. I think the underlying idea is decent, but the composition is crude and technically weak when you compare them with some excellent contributions there. Still, have a look at it; you would have read a trashy post on this blog anyway.

It was an interesting experience with unique challenge of keeping within the word limit. I first wrote the piece and then counted the words to be 400. So I had to eliminate a few points and chop some of the sentences which sort of left me with the same feeling that girls have when they are smitten with that expensive dress near the window but settle for the one kept back in third row that lies within their budget.

I realized that I should have always kept the word-limit in mind and paced the piece accordingly. What happened was that I invited the whole group for a ride but the driver later on brought a smaller taxi; unwilling to deny any of them a place I requested each one of them to adjust which led to every one's discomfort and two of them left fuming.

All said and done, I enjoyed the experience and am already waiting for the next one. Also, couldn't stop reading the other stories. It's a great display of varying perspectives that human mind conjures from a same source. It is surreal. Thank to Jason Evans who is the creator of the blog and the contest.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Stupid Tit-Bits

1. Phantom Fetish
Long ago, when there used to be not more than a single hit per day on this blog, I would check each visitor’s location and referring URL on Sitemeter. So, one fine day there was a visitor all the way from Denmark. Pleasantly surprised to have a guest from a developed country on the blog, I went on to check the referring URL. He (I strongly believe it is not “She”) had come through Google search results for “Phantom + Vagina”.

I was filled with guilt for wasting his time. The culprit is this link along with the Blog title. The only solace for me is that he stayed on this blog for a good 40 minutes which is as good a tribute as this blog could've expected from someone seeking his fantasies. It’s quite hard to hold attention of a man who knows what he wants, especially when you offer, well, nothing. Awfully enough, this post’s title ensures that he might reach here once again if he tries to search for other anatomical parts of his Phantom princess. By the way, it’s unfair to assume that he was seeking porn; the search results show other possibilities.

2. Go Goa Go
Looks like Mr. TripToGoa would be hitting a century soon. Flights are booked, rooms reserved and mood is upbeat. Life’s tough since I have pretty high standards to meet. The last beach I sipped my whisky on was in a place called Miami . Previous to that, I was on the beaches of Texas and Florida during Spring-Break WooHooooo. Those feeling jealous need not worry a hell lot: I’m not gonna post any snaps here; might just describe a few incidents here and there which you may assume to be empty boasts. Did I tell you that I was a palmist during the spring break and a painter by profession in Miami?

3. Oral Affairs
To a man having a bad day, we say in Hindi: “Kiski shakal dekhee thee subah subah?” which loosely translates to “Whose face did you see first thing in the morning?” Cockroach it was for me today. Comfortable perched on the toothbrush. The sight broke my heart for three reasons.

Reason number one has to do with my principle to kill one when I see one. I am kind to ants but cruel to cockroaches. A slow drowning death with the smell of pesticide must have been its last memories.

The second reason was the realization that for every crime that is caught, there have been five committed that aren’t. The third one was that in real life in my bathroom, the 'Copenhagen Interpretation' amounts to nothing, which, in turn meant that I cannot just ignore what has been observed and hence go down to buy a new toothbrush and consequently climb up the four floors when the deed is done.

Now that we are discussing toothbrushes, here’s a handy tip to keep in mind while buying one. Choose the weirdest looking toothbrush at the shop; more so if you plan to visit your relatives for days. I bought a dark purple one with yellow lines on it. In case you wondered about who the potential buyers are for those distastefully colored toothpastes , the answer is : Wise men who have been there, suffered that.

I had planned on writing three more stupid bits, but telephonic interruptions have delayed the endeavor. It’s time to sleep now. Tomorrow morning I am gonna put that filthy six incher in my mouth. The act would continue for a few minutes leaving my mouth filled with froth which I must spit and not swallow. Let me check if there’s a Little Johnny joke on the same lines. Readers, please send me a link if you find one.

I am ashamed of the perverted undertone of this entire post.