My Sweet Family

Refrigerator: Hi, my name is Calvin. This chap bought me three years ago. I have seen few things in life: Apples, milk, coke, beer and whisky (why whisky??). My freezer has never been used. This guy doesn't know whether and how to defrost me. Though my top is over utilized. He keeps nail-cutter, car-keys, expired pizza-hut coupons, coins, chewing gums and a lot of trash there. Spiders love my back side.

Washing machine: Hi, I am Whirly. I am in comma since last 2 years 10 months. The lazy bum doesn't use me any more. My work has been outsourced to a maid; reason being sighted was management overhead. He further harasses me by daily putting the clothes to be washed on me.

Laptop: Mr. Louis Dell here. My memory has been corrupted with porn, pirated movies and music. I seldom visit good sites; mostly browse through tabloids and junk sites dedicated to filmy-gossips, relationships ("10 ways to tell your boyfriend is bisexual" type) and explicit videos. First look at this geeky-looking dude and I had high hopes of running high-end algorithms on me churning out zillions of bits. Haven't executed even a single excel macro on me. The most respectable job I've done is preparing a word-document (the idiot's resume). I've never been entertained with a 3-D game; never gone beyond "Hearts" & "Solitaire".

Bed: He hasn't given me any name but I fancy myself being called Trash-bag. Anything in his house that is not at its allotted place is on me. 90% of his stuff fall into this category ; they are all in search of the promised land. Of course, the mattress is not on me. Poor her, she lies on the floor.

Chair: No name for me too. I service his feet more than his butt. I've been used to change tube-light and shove all the utensils given by his mother in a rack above where no one sees them. Mostly I am used to block the door from shutting when he needs breeze to flow through the house.

Car: My name is Vinnie (cause my number is V9920). I've been injured a lot in past; no medical care has been offered. He doesn't care whether I am serviced, whether the air pressure is enough, blah blah blah. All he does on time is insuring me; I believe he is waiting for me to die and claim the money. I haven’t seen any place outside the cities he stays in.

How we learnt 'English" over the last few decades.

Year 1958 . Well, first the basics .

Movie : Dilli ka Thug

C.A.T. Cat, Cat Maane Billi, R.A.T. Rat, Rat Maane Choohaa

Matlab iska kaho tum kya huaa.

M.A.D. Mad, Mad Maane Paagal, B.O.Y. Boy, Boy Maane Ladkaa

N.O.S.E. Nose, Nose Maane Naak, C.R.O.W. Crow, Crow Maane Kauvaa

G.O.A.T. Goat, Goat Maane Bakri, L.I.O.N. Lion, Lion Maane Sher

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Year 1971 . You must learn to tell your name sonny boy.

Movie : Amar Akbar Anthony

My Name Is Anthony Gonsalves, Main Duniya Mein Akela Hoon

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Year 1981. By this time we were good enough for simple sentences.

Movie : Ek duje ke liye

I Don't Know What You Say ,I Don't Know Don't Know What You Say

But I Want To Dance And Play , I Want To Play The Game Of Love

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Year 1994. Learnt to speak bigger words and copy others.

Movie : Criminal .

Song: Tu mile, dil khile.

Darling, every breath you take ,Every move you make, I will be there with you

What would I do without you?I want to love you forever and ever and ever

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Year 2007. Confident enough to create our own brand of English.

Movie : Cash 2007.

Song : Naughty Naughty .

Sainya sainya Sehari , Lagen hai mohe sexy.

Love the way u touching me.

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Year 2008. Going Strong.

Movie: Race

Zara Zara Touch Me Touch Me Touch Me Ah

Zara ZaraKiss Me Kiss Me Kiss Me Ah

Zara ZaraHold Me Hold Me Hold Me Ah Zara ZaraOooo ooo ooo

I love the way you touchin me, feeling meBoy im gonna be rebelling,

Boy my little secrets gonna let you know That when you put your arms around me,

I love the way you surround me Oh boy I m gonna loose control

Vagina Monologue

Younger Bro bought an expensive mobile against my pragmatic advice. As is often the case, big brother was right. The mobile would sometime allow only one way communication; that too intermiitently during the same call.

So on the day when this problem surfaced, conversation followed this route :
Bro : Sunaai aa rahan hain terko?? Mujhe nahi aa rahaan but tu bolte rahan.
Me: Ok, 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 ..
Bro : Haan aa gaya. ( Then we continued our talk until next intermission happened ).

As the frequency of these interruptions rose, the "filler" sentences evolved from just being enumeration (1,2,3..). Following are some of them :

1. Ek gaav me 2 machuaare rahte the; wo dono Gay the. Fir diploma karne ke liye...
2. Tuwinkal Tuwinkal Littul eeStaar, Haau I vhonder vhaat u aar..
3. Aaj Khali ka dangal hoga vishwa-vijeta Undertaker se. Khali jo ki 7 feet...
4. John , Suprabhat. Machlee pakadne ke liye kitna achcha din hain...(Discovery in Hindi).
5. You got real big brains but I'm looking atchyaa...

This became a part of daily routine. One day Bro had a bad day and to further irritate him , I lied "Awaaz nahi aa rahin". Frustated, he produced the gem :
Bro : Abe Yaar !!! Ab fir shuru karna hogaa Vagina Monologue.