Thursday, June 4, 2009

The Profound Lie

A solitary word spoken for the entire day and that too was a lie. Optimizations, in daily life, have been stretched too far I guess. Probably, I need to review my social life as well. Allow me to explain this profound lie.

At the Darshini hotel nearby, they have the same yellow colored six Rupees coupon for Tea and coffee. You are supposed to buy the coupon at cash counter and then present it to those who serve the food or drink. I drink coffee but say ‘Tea” at the cash counter while getting the coupon. Saves a few lip movements, less trouble to vocal cords and gives a timid thrill as an added benefit. Then, of course I take the coupon from the owner at the counter, then go to the waiter and point my finger at the coffee machine. It adds novelty to the waiter’s life as well.

I am tempted to go further and claim that I just say “T”. Beat that. That “T” is like a Black Hole. So much mass (with a destructive connotation) concentrated at a point and then nothing nearby.
Is it possible to speak lesser in an entire day and still maintain the property of falsehood? You must say something, gesture won’t count. You may request someone to ask you the question “Who rules the world, yet is wise and modest enough to keep it a secret?” or “Who slept with Cleopatra last night and got paid for it?” Then you might say “I”. That would be a lie, not much meat in there to debate over it. But there are quite a few potential problems with this approach.

You need to find someone who would just ask you the question and then leave you alone for the rest of the day. Clever ones can circumvent that by pre-recording the question. Care must be taken to have it pre-recorded by someone else because there is a room for the philosophical objection that word count for the day in your account is increasing even if your past self has spoken them. If we allow this objection to stand, then most of the film-stars and singers must have to forgo the cherished dream. Plus there must be someone else whom you are lying to. Deceiving thyself needs no words and is a widely followed practice.

The indisputable argument against the above mentioned pair of question-answer would be that “I” involves more effort and duration than “T” and we must find other alternatives. “E” looks to be a good choice since it involves the least syllables and other resources. I am considering only the English language here.

So assuming that you did manage to find someone who would help you fulfill this ambition by co-operating to circumvent the issues mentioned previously, we are still left to find questions that evoke an answer “E” which, of course, should be wrong. Here’s an example.

Fill in the blank: “When I was 14 and saw a loose one coming on my leg, all I had in mind was s_x”. You say “e” and break my “T” record, lying with the least (non-zero) effort on vocal cords, thereby projecting me as a pervert blinded by hormones instead of the cricket crazy teenager I was.

However, mathematical purists, with working knowledge in Linear Algebra, can argue that the lie with the “Tea” is not as absolute as I am making it out to be. Tea is neither opposite, nor orthogonal to coffee (they both have milk in common). Economists would nod their heads as most of them have fed on Tea-Coffee as a classic example of substitutes while studying the elementary utility theory.

As I pressed “enter” after the previous sentence, MS word put me on a new page. That crap took up one whole page. I am forced to reflect at this moment on my blogging habits. Some of the posts have been based on true incidents or some stupid analysis. At the other end are the stories which involve time-travel, naked woman bleeding, animals and inanimate things talking. Once a bee did the whole narration and she was dead three days ago, so a bee-ghost too managed a representation. There is absolutely no middle path and I would try to bridge that gap in my next story. It would work under realistic constraints. However, the next post would be again based on real life incidents: “The Twisted Telephonic Tales”.

Meanwhile, let me share this absolutely gorgeous song I came across on a BBC radio program in which they showcase some upcoming bands which are still far away from stardom, if at all they would reach there. The song is “Hellhole Rat Race” by the “Girls” band. The lyrics are deceivingly simple with a groovy flavor. It’s got a distinctively psychedelic touch to it, which is why it is being put here. Give it a go, have some patience with it and this visit to the blog might not be as futile as you might have been ruing two paragraphs ago. There is no video content, so streaming should be faster.


Nicky said...

okay! WHY in heaven's sake do you want to restrict the number of words you speak?

In modern day - the only damn exercise we get and the only method we burn any energy that we do burn is through talking/typing! Why do you want to reduce the number of these activities too?!

And what happiness does pointing to coffee and asking for tea give anyone?! It is possible the chai waala thought that you mistook coffee for tea or vice versa!

I don't get the point at all.

Yours truly
Utterly confused


BrownPhantom said...

:). There is not one chai-wallah .I say Tea at the counter to the owner and then fetch the coffee from waiter at a different location. So none of them is confused. As I said, It gives a timid thrill.
Optimization is the answer to your first question.
The post is just fooling around, not to be taken so seriously despite the academic tone of the writing.
Only the true lazy ones would appreciate the effort saved in the transaction.
And thanks :).
Did you like the music at least :)?

Choco said...

I liked the song.
That said wha is the matter with yee!!?!!
n I felt I was lazy. Tee Hee :)

BrownPhantom said...

Thanks for your comment .
I am nowadays in sleep deprived state and that wud continue till 10th of the month due to some exams. Till then, there would be lazy poss if at all :).
I like the second half of that song very much :).

AJai said...

"I" found that craz"E"! T-riffic!

Meghana Naidu said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Meghana Naidu said...

NEVER underestimate the potential to weave a narrative of bovine feacal matter encompassing a solitary spark of genius.

I for one will always appreciate it.

*totally snort worthy*

Nicky said...

oops...i was too busy ranting about decreased speech that i forgot about the song :)!

I quite liked it :D

Anyways...sorry for getting so flustered, being the blabbermouth I am, I don't appreciate silence or optimization of words! :P

Vinnie said...

guess ur exams have gotten to ur about having some 'chofee' - chai + coffee? :)

Preeti Shenoy said...

Fastest way to loony bin would be to actually try and implement the challenge posed (if it can be termed thus--this profound bit of intellectual masturbation that you have presented here) :P
And why are there men in girls?
Loved the line 'sometimes you just gotta make it for yourself'


numerounity said...

That was crazily profound!! esp the language!!! phew! :)

Rahul said...

Really nice one...I really liked this point of view u shared...
Adding u in my blog list to read more from you!!!

My blog is :)

BrownPhantom said...

@Meghana ,
Really !! Thanks a million :).


:).Try beating that . Thanks

Just 4 more days to go . Glad that you dropped in.

BrownPhantom said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
BrownPhantom said...

You nailed it :). Seriously. This post was really a self-indulgence.
They named the song "Hellohole Ratrace". That explains :).
Many thanks for dropping by Preeti.

BrownPhantom said...

@Numerounity & Rahul,
Thank you guys :).

The post must have flustered half of its readers :). "Optimization of words" is supposed to be idiotic anyway .

Kokonad said...

Prashant! Nice song, post, mathematical analogy, point of view. :) But I did imagine one thing - if you had to completely remove the use of any syllable whatsoever to denote you wanted TEA... let's say you indicated your choice purely by a look and an eyebrow raise perhaps. Of course, that could be understandably interpreted as a suggestive thing... ;-)
Meanwhile, I do want to point out that the whole whole is striving for optimization. And so are languages! They have been doing so for ages - converging towards optimization for ease and simplicity by reducing effort - 'whereforth art thou' becomes 'where are you' etc. :) Except that I hate txtspk (SMS language or SMSese, if you will) and I even wrote about it. :D (Sorry, shameless blog-promotion here!)
I must add again, I particularly liked the part about the mathematicians' part with tea and coffee!

BrownPhantom said...

Yes Kokonad, Gestures aren't allowed and something has to be uttered. If you relax that constraint, then I guess the easiset lie commoncly occuring in everyday lives is when someone asks you "Are you sleeping?" while you are just laying with eyes closed and you don't move/reply.
No action and add to that, the fact that you are already in a state of ination as good as a sleep.

Thanks for your generous comments. Let me check your post now, though I have an inkling of its spirit :).

Rashmi said...

Crazyyy but enjoyed it and yes i too liked the luck for exams though may your T or kafiii helps you to stay awake :)

AJ said...

blame the in-born filters in my brains, kuch palle nahi pada... :-D , was a bouncer for me :-P !!... :))


DPhatsez said...


:) going by the post mon ami, my optimisation of 'okay'.

BrownPhantom said...

Thanks man :). Always Gud 2 c u.

Koi gal nahin. Meri bhi galti hain kahin na kahin :).

Thank you so much for your wishes and comment :).

Rahul said...

Wow, this is an awesome post...straight from the heart..Just keep moving forward, and enjoy more than ever before :)... Am adding u in my blog list for further reading ur articles!! You can add me in ur blog list too read mine if u want...My blog is

Prasant Naidu. said...

I would go for the optimization technique. Talk for 20 mins and still people are confused it's better to talk less at least Save some Energy :). In fact i loved the way u dealt with the T's and I's and not to forget the E's too. I will see the video(my net is crawling now)

Keep Rocking,

Anu said...

:O Why in the name of God would u want to optimise with the least no. of syllables?

Dont we already live in a half-insane world?

"Isnt optmistn alrdy pckng up in d sms lang?" :P

I fail to understand the point to this rant.

Liked the song. :)



bondgal_rulz said...

Absolutely LOVE the song!!!

The 2nd and 4th stanzas are awesome!! :)

Thanks for the share. :)


Diya said...

Technical brains redefined here :P T ;)

pravanjan said...

Man, you forgot to mention the password optimization; The 5 most optimized letter sequence.

BrownPhantom said...

Really glad that you dropped in.

I would have preferred Scientific :). Thanks a lot :).

BrownPhantom said...

Thanks Man :).

@ Anu,
You are not alone :). Thanks for the visit.

Yaar wo to trade-secret hain.Open-Source nahi kiya jaa saktaa usko :).

Diya said...

Nops I preferred Technical. :I :) Bbye. :)